Thoughts

Right about now I feel lonelier than someone who's lost there best friend. Its crazy!!! I "talk" to someone and I still feel lonely. I live in the same house as 3 other people and I still feel lonely. I'm sitting in my room with the lights off blasting music like a lonely person. UUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!  I HATE/DESPISE this feeling. I hate feeling like no one loves me , no one wants to talk to me, feeling like the three friends that I have are living their lives and I'm at home sulking away. This is annoying in so many ways! Like I get super depressed and I start to be all in my feelings (i.e. NOW!). I'm already a sensitive soul so I'm always in my feelings and I have always lived my life according to my feelings. So if I felt talking that's what I did, if I felt like going somewhere I found a way. I realize that living like this can be a good and bad thing, more bad than good but hey, we all live and learn.

I have always had a problem with dealing with depression since I was about 10 or 11. I attempted suicide in the 5th grade  because I felt that no one loved me and no one wanted me around. I think a lot stemmed from the fact that my dad had his first heart attack when I was in 1st grade and ever since then its a never ending rant about how we need to lose weight and we need to eat healthier. I feel like I was never allowed to embrace and love the body I was in. I was trying to do as my parents told me and that was to lose weight. Then I think also being a kid and in school people teased me a lot so that played a part as well. Once I got to middle school I honestly didn't care about it anymore til about 11th grade when I was friends with this REALLY pretty girl named Bri. That girl is/ was everything I wanted to be. She was outgoing, pretty, smart, goofy, everybody's friends, she had a nice shape and she could pull any dude she wanted. I wanted to be just like her and thought if I hung out with her than some of it would rub off on me but that didn't happen. Senior year I just wanted to enjoy as much as possible. Once I got to college I thought I could turn into the woman that I wanted be. and I was slowly doing that and i really feel like I would have been fully there but I came home which started my depressed state for this semester.

This semester I am depressed because I live at home with my parents and not on a campus. I don't have friends at school and I don't have anything to do outside of school. I go to school and come home. I go to my cousins house every so often but that about it. I feel so lame and like I'm in high school because I cant go and come like I want, I cant have people over and feel comfortable about it. I just want to feel normal. When  I say normal I mean in the dorms, with people that's my age partying and enjoying life and college. Doing something with my life instead of sitting at home every weekend and looking at my family.