This semester has been HELL!! And in all honesty I made it that way. I didn't sit down and study or do my homework or take good notes. I purposely distracted myself by sitting around with my cousins or going to my "boyfriends" house or working or volunteering. Now working and volunteering aren't bad things but I used those things as excuses as to why I can't study and why I can't get my homework done because I'm working til midnight some nights. I'm grateful for the experience at the hospital and to have a little cash in my pocket but I didn't make time for what was important.... SCHOOL!! I have struggled all semester and you would think at some point in time I would try harder and do what I should but there was always an excuse. It's crazy because I have an excuse for EVERYTHING. Literally! Like today. I didn't go to church because I needed to clean up, wash my clothes, do my hair and homework. Do you know it is 8:56 and my hair has yet to be done because I didn't have time/ I really didn't want to. I haven't finished my homework because the system is frustrating and when I get frustrated I shut down and say forget it. I know this is all happening because I lack discipline and I am an emotional person. I operate off of my emotions so if I don't feel like doing something it doesn't get done . If I feel like I'm not going to make it I stop in my tracks and allow the time to pass. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!! I feel like I'm stuck in this never-ending cycle of failure and lack of discipline. WHAT DO I DO TO END THE CYCLE?? It's crazy because I know whats wrong but I don't know how to fix it. I don't know where to start and how to end my bad behavior. I feel like a failure because 1. I'm failing my classes 2. I'm failing myself as well as my parents because we all have expectations of me and I'm not living up to them and 3. I'm currently in a situation that if I don't find some type of discipline I will ruin someone else life. I want to do better and be a better person but it's hard to try and change when I don't even know how to change it.
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