I want kids...

I want kids. I was suppose to have a one year old right about now but I made the decision not to have it because I didn't want to be a single mother or have to co-parent with the baby's father so I had an abortion. In which changed my life and outlook on life as well. It crushed me to the core and even now I still think and wish I hadn't done it but what is done is done.  I can't take it back. But now in doing all of that I see my classmates having kids and I really wish I hadn't done what I did. But like I said I can't take it back but now I have baby fever. Like now  I really want a kid and I want to take a chance on life and do what I should have done in the first place. Stepped up and did what I had to do to take care of my kid. But now it's matter of finding some one to reproduce with and hopefully he'll stick around and marry me and love me and the child. I want kids but I also want to be married with a big add house and unconditional love all around.  

To Old To Be At Home?

I just turned 21 in July! Yaaaay!!! 😁 I'm legal. I can buy my own drinks and get in just about any club. 

I'm extremely excited about my age but that's not the problem. I feel like I'm to old to be at home. And might be cause I HATE the fact that I have chores. Like my little sister is 15 at this point in our live we are all old enough to clean behind ourselves. Then I do what I'm supposed to do leave for a day or two and they leave all they shit in the fucking sink waiting on me to clean it up. Like the fuck!!!!! I'm tired of that shit and when I do say something all my ideas to get rid of this shit gets tossed out the window because "we already tried that and yall ain't do right". Like I can't take it. It the most nerve racking thing in the world. If you know I'm gone why would you just leave shit there then complain about it when I get here. You made the mess you clean it. Ugh!!!! It's time to move out!!!! 

Looking Up

Life is good right now!! I can honestly say that I'm truely content and happy with what is going on in my life. I need to get myself together in a couple of areas but outside of that I feel great. This semester I didn't fail any of my classes and I have a wonderful boyfriend and he doesn't look at me any differently because of the dessions that I have made in my life. 

I thought men would look at me differently because of what I had done but I guess it doesn't make a difference for them. 

I also have a new job. There's some drama but I'm dealing with it. I feel like things are going well in life. I'm slowly finding my way. With this new job I feel like it's pushing me to be a better person and also put me on the path to what I want. 

God is truely blessing me and I'm grateful !! 

Strength please come to me....

I thought going thru things and enduring was going to make me stronger. I feel like have been to hell and back for nothing. I'm still stuck and no further then when I was in hell. Everyone around me is moving forward and going and doing.  I'm still trying to figure out what I want out of life and where the hell im going and if I'm going in the right direction. I pray that God directs me in the right direction and to help me make good decisions and I don't know if he hears me any more. I already feel like I'm not doing the whole religion thing right. I pray to God and I try to build relationship but when I comes to worship and praising God I feel like I'm lacking. Like EXTREMELY LACKING..... I don't know what to do or even how to fix it. 

Continuos Disappointment...

For some odd reason I get in my feelings when I'm on social media because I realize that all I do is browse other people's lives and want what they have. I.e. Friends,having fun, going places, being happy. I know I can have all that if I just put myself out there and do it but I'm so damn lazy. I have all these dreams and things I wanna do in life and I continue to hold myself back for what reason I don't know. I have always wanted to be independent and creative in all aspects of my life but I dream and don't get up and do it. It's the most irratting thing in the world. To always be disappointed in myself and feel stuck. I know how to get unstuck but it's like my body won't let me. My mind is saying okay we gotta do this and this and this but my body is like I think we should nap and chill we got time. But I don't have time. I can't keep doing this to myself. It's  not healthy and it's annoying beyond anything. 

In Need of a Listening Ear

I have gone to hell and back within the last year it makes no sense. I have went against my morals, values, and havent kept my word to myself or the people around me. I have given up the one thing that I knew that I wanted out of life because someone else couldnt grow the fuck up!!! I have cried myself to sleep. I have been depressed, distracted and incapable of trusting or loving myself or others. I made a choice to not dwell on it all and move forward and when I start to move forward and be happy everybody and they damn mama wanna hit me up. Like why do people leave then want to come back thinking you just gonna run into there arms and forgive & forget the bullshit they put you thru. Im tired I just want to be happy and yeah it gets lonely but I know I will make it. I have to! I cant keep doing the same things and expecting different results. Yes, I'm crazy and a hopeless romantic but at some point I have to give up on the fairytales and look at life for what it truely is. BULLSHIT!!! There is no way some one can love you and hurt you all in the same conversation. If you loved me then you would do everything in your power to keep me happy and you would think about what is going on and what to say. Dont tell me you love me and say I was the rebound right after that. Dont lie to my face and think I'm not going to catch on. Dont expect me to tell you I love you and you continually fuck me over. At this point in my life I dont want to hear those three little words. I want to go without them because the people that tell me they love me dont. I try and give my all to every relationship and somehow I always get the short end of the stick. There is no point in me trying to find love or even wanting to be with anyone because people these days use those three little words to get what they want and leave or they use them just to have you stay in your corner and defend them while they go fuck up everything.

Love exist but it no longer lives with me. It no longer resides in the neighborhood or even around the corner. Love is on another planet fucking up other peoples lives not mine. To love I say farewell maybe one day someone will get it right til then I say goodbye!

Doing Whats Best For Me!

The last time I posted was May 4, 2014. I have been slacking like no other! I dont know who reads this or if someone reads this at all but if you do sorry for not posting.  2014 has been CRAZY!!!!!  I have had to question my morals, beliefs and my own willingness to do right. I put myself in a very difficult situation which caused me to hurt myself and others around me. But hopefully Im currently on the right track to heal my wounds and do whats right for me!

 I have come to the conclusion that in order for me to do what I want I have to get off my ass and do it. I cant keep waiting for it to just plop in my lap. It has taken me all year and some change to realize this. SMH at myself because you would thing that this concept is so simple that it would have just hit me in the head awhile ago and it has but I just rubbed the sore spot and kept on my path ignoring all the signs.

While I'm on my quest to do whats best for me I plan to fix me. When I say "Fix me" I mean I want to heal all the wounded spots in my heart, get closer to GOD, know my passion and purpose, know what I like and figure out what I want out of life. Yeah I have been constantly saying that's what I'm going to do but I'm really taking it seriously because I cant continue to live like this. I cant continue to disappoint myself, family and friends. Its annoying beyond anything.

 So as I take to this journey hopefully I'll remember to blog about it all and keep in touch!